Monday, June 23, 2008

Such a wordsmith I am

A graphic representation of my word choices over all my 2008 blog posts.

Clomp? Really??

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

So lame

Do I dare admit how excited I am that someone commented on my shower favors over at Flickr?  You know, I played it cool in my response to her.  Very casual, no exclamation points.  

But on the inside?  I was thinking "Yippeeee!  They like me!  They really like me!"

Seriously.  The geek-o-meter is at tilt.  I absolutely must get a life.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Tap, tap, tap

I'd like to say that I've always been skeptical about people who claim to have heard God speak to them.  It's more truthful to say that I have felt robbed that it didn't happen to me.

Really though, I suspect that it has.  Lots of times.  I just didn't know what I was listening for.  I guess my simple, simple mind expected (wanted?) something obvious, a la Jacob's dreams or burning bushes.  Well, so...  no.  Not so much.  God does not operate like Sara in that "MAAAAMAAAAA, COME HERE RIGHT NOOOOOW!" mode of communication.  He is more like my cat Pete, who sits quietly by my feet while I do the dishes, then talks to me while I put them away, then eventually gets caught up in my feet while I'm trying to cook dinner -- all in an effort to let me know that I really need to fill his water bowl.  Now, please.  

What it boils down to is the whack versus the tap.  The choice isn't as easy as you might think really.  The whack is painful, yes -- but hard to miss.  The tap?  Ugh, the listening and the patience and the faith.  It's just so hard.

The good news is that very slowly, over lots of time and many trials, I'm starting to learn to listen.  Sometimes it seems so very obvious, other times it takes me banging my head into a wall (again and again and again) to hear it.  And recently I've realized that there's no harm in asking for it.  Still no burning bushes, but you know -- He speaks up eventually.

Last week I was heading to work, dreading a conversation that I needed to have with my boss because it meant admitting that maybe obviously I had made a mistake.  And it was funny, because as I climbed into the car and turned the engine over the radio came on, and the voice I heard said "It's OK to change your mind."  That was it, then straight into a commercial.  I don't know...  God could have a lot flashier way to reassure me but let me tell you -- to me, that was Him.  Maybe that's corny?  I don't care.

Tap, tap, tap.

Today I heard Him again, this time via an essay I found in a magazine I heard about from my good friend Amy.  It's like it was written for me, in language and concepts and contexts that I not only understand but in which I'm immersed.  And the message?  Right on point, painfully so.  

Tap, tap, tap.

I'm starting to get used to the tap, tap, tap.  I'm here to tell you:  Although it's a hell of a lot more effort, I'll take a tap over a whack any day.  Those whacks, they smart.  A LOT.  And I've had my fair share of bruises lately.

Tap, tap, tap away.  I'll be listening.  Or at least trying.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Once upon a time...

...there was a beautiful princess.

Lately, every night when I'm rocking her Sara asks me to tell her a story "about da pawk."  It always features a beautiful princess (you'll never guess what her name is) and her Papa and her Mama.  The beautiful princess climbs and swings, slides and runs and jumps.  She has the best time ever, as you can imagine.

The story always ends with the princess coming home for supper, then taking her bath.  She and her mama rock and say prayers and then it's time for sleep.

Amazingly creative, I know.

Oh -- and so you don't think this is just a fairy tale, you can see here what I spied out the window this afternoon.

Lovely, yes?  I'd call that a beautiful princess to be sure.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Here's the veg


That's what I said. But evidently it means something to someone in Hagen, Germany. And oddly enough if you type that phrase into Google, mine is the very first site to pop up.

Again -- huh?

Google Analytics... so fun. I'm not sure why I ever even started with it except I was curious to see if anyone besides Rob and a couple of gluttons for punishment friends ever read it. Now I know that, through the magic of search engines, I've been visited not only by these faithful few but also web surfers from California, New York, Michigan, Illinois, Kentucky, Virginia, Georgia, Texas, Alabama, North Carolina, Arizona, and Vermont as well as an international crew representing the UK, Canada, India, and Germany. My favorite keyword search? "Diaper potty." An accurate assessment of my life to be sure -- at least if my blog posts are to be trusted.


Oh, and a big shout out to Gas City, IN -- I seem to have a regular following there, as well.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

The most humbling job on Earth, or why this vacation sucks already

This is my girl.  And this is how you will normally find her -- happy, talking, and on the move.

She challenges me every day.  EVERY day.  I have no idea how I should be parenting her but I hope against hope that keeping her alive and growing is good enough for now.

And then I opened the door after her nap and found her playing in her pack and play, licking some lozenges and shaking a bottle of prescription meds.  At least a dozen other miscellaneous pills were scattered around her feet.

I wanted to die.  Suddenly, what I'm doing is no longer good enough -- in fact, it's no where near close.

Thankfully God seems to have an override on maternal instincts, because while all I wanted to do was grab her and sob, and hide her away from the danger that had already come, what actually I did was get her to the hospital.  I tell her calmly that no, we're not going to the park, we're going to see a special doctor.  "I don't wanna see a special doctor.  I wanna go to the park."  I tell her that maybe we can go to the park tomorrow.  

It's not until the nurse in the emergency room asked me what she took that I found it hard to talk and the tears started to fall.  In truth I don't really believe that she took anything but that's not the point -- she could have, and that's the hard truth.  That's the proof that despite my best efforts, this day they just weren't good enough.

I saw the social worker at the nurses station.  We hadn't met yet -- we had an IV to put in first, and a catheter, and a trip to radiology too -- but I knew it was him and I knew why he was there.  Confirmation that I hadn't met the mark that day and that The System had to step in.  He was apologetic, but he had to do his job.  I understand.  But I'm used to being on the other side of the patient chart and I knew what was being written.  In a blink I was just another lousy parent.  Just another one that screwed it up, big time.

He was apologetic, but he had to do his job.  The protocol is the same for everyone.  He had to notify the State.  CPS would be here tomorrow.  He would do his best to get us home as soon as possible, but now we had to wait on them.

A night on the pediatric unit, the CPS investigation looming large over our heads, the monitors and IV hooked up to our daughter alarming over and over -- it was a long night for Rob and me.  The only comfort was knowing that Sara really was OK.  If she did indeed swallow anything there was no evidence found in her labs or behavior.  Sara was fine.  

We were not.
Sara's pediatrician came in first thing and assured us that, never mind this, we are good parents.  Our daughter, despite this mistake -- a terrible, scary MISTAKE -- is thriving.  She is smart, and strong, and now also so brave.  We're not bad.  We're human.  We're going to be OK -- she would help to make sure of it.

And we are OK, or will be.  As it turned out the investigator was a very nice, normal woman.  She was quick and kind, and made what is without a doubt the worst day in my mothering career as painless as she could.  And it's over.  We're home, together, healthy.  That's all that really matters.

This child, she challenges me.  EVERY day.  Her little tiny life is a force to be reckoned with and this job of being her mother...  it's hard.  And humbling.  And painful.  

Thank God it's mine.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

April showers bring may flowers, and obviously June showers bring...


My cousin Kristin is expecting her first baby later this month. They've decided to roll with it and wait until the wee one's grand arrival to find out if it's a girl or boy. So -- a yellow, green, and orange shower it would be! I think everyone enjoyed it and Kristin took home a lot of nice things for her new little bundle.

Oh -- and the surprise hit of the day? Lucky bamboo! Everybody loved it. Who knew?