going nowhere fast

so, we spent (at least i spent) the last month or so making peace with the fact that rob, sara, and i need to move. we long outgrew my old bedroom, sara's sleeping habits are a mess, and i am beginning to feel less & less like a wife/mother and more and more like the lady that lives at the fraternity house, fighting a losing battle with the chaos and the mess but determined to get a hot meal on the table every night in spite of it all.

we found a house that we liked (or at least that we thought we could afford) and went so far as to get pre-approved for the loan. and then dad went into the hospital again. and now he seems weaker than ever, and just like that the game changed.

our "lets stay with dad to help him through chemo" plan is history. like it or not, i don't think dad is ever really going to get better -- at least not to a point where i would feel good about him being alone for any stretch of time. no, now the game has defintely changed, and we're going to need a lot more players. here's hoping we can work as a team. (heaven help us if we can't.)

so the sad truth is that we still can't do this anymore, but unfortunately we can't do anything else. i suspect it's going to be a long ride. very, very long.

here's what i need to make it through:
-- a better diet and exercise (i don't want to confess how much weight i've gained since we moved here... stress, anyone?)
-- some major clean-up and minor (but key) renovation
-- a room for sara that is all her own
-- regular time away from the grind
-- occasional dates with my husband
-- reminders that really, it's going to be OK
-- prayers
-- a much better attitude
-- more sleep

here we go!

an advent christian

for a long time i've believed that there is something immature about being an advent christian. you know -- all the hope with none of the pain. and trying to be an easter christian has always been a struggle for me.

but now i think it's got to be ok to be an advent christian.

just to be clear, i'm not talking the first four sundays leading up to christmas, but all year long. for me this means feeling close to God in the wonder of Him, in the mystery and quietness of Him. my kind of advent christianity is the cold, dark, clear, bright night that was full of questions and probably fear but also promise. there is a stillness and curiosity about it, and for me a thankfulness that God came to be with us, live like us, love us in the flesh.

the other night i started singing to sara and i realized that all the songs were advent songs. i like them because they are simple melodies that speak of the fulfillment of the promise and the hope of what's to come. they are calming to me, but still stir me up in a way that no praise song has ever done. i mean how much more exciting can it be?? God is coming! here! now! and He's going to live with us for awhile! can you believe it?!

no, i'm not pretending that that's the end of the story. there is much more scripture devoted to the rest of Jesus' life and i have to assume that is not merely happenstance. we are an Easter people -- i get it. (i don't get it enough, but i get it.) but i am also an advent girl, that's how i feel closest to Him. and if that's the case, it can't be so bad, right?

it was the worst of times, it was the best of times.

woke up this AM with a raging headache. never a good sign, those first-thing-in-the-morning headaches. to make matters worse, i had to have some blood drawn and couldn't eat anything to try and take the edge off. that first cup of coffee, it can work wonders -- no?

so anyway. i stumbled through my morning, got the blood draw, made it to work (15 mintues late). managed to get something to eat and at least a little bit of my beloved java before the patients started and for one brief, shining moment i thought i had turned a corner.

not so much. by the time my second kiddo arrived my head was pounding, i felt sick, i could barely stand the light (and the light in a flouro suite is dim, let me tell you). i called it a day and with just a brief a stop for a soda (seriously, thought i was going to hurl) to wash down a handful of advil i headed home -- straight for bed which is mucho unusual for me. but then, bliss.

i had THE BEST nap, ever. EH-VER. i don't remember the last time i slept so well, so comfortably, so restfully. my whole body relaxed in a way i didn't know was possible. when i woke up i felt fantastic, better than i have in months. years. maybe better than i ever have in my life. i decided that this is how you must feel in heaven. even my teeth felt rested.

man alive. that was one good nap. i'm almost afraid to go to bed tonight... it's bound to be a disappointment.