Monday, December 21, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Today would have marked 75 years.
We mourn that you're not here for us to celebrate, but the truth is this--
you are happier where you are:
No tears or pain or sadness
No cancer to rob you of your independence
or grief to weigh on your heart.
There is only love and peace and joy and health for you now.
The pain and sadness is left for us
But we accept it, knowing that it will pass away from us one day, too.
Today would have marked 75 years.
Instead, you have eternity.
A birthday blessing.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.'
Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?
115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET.
VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Monday, December 07, 2009
Four years ago this very day I looked out of my hospital room window and saw the year's first snow -- but that's not why I was so happy.
This is why I was so happy.
What a difference four little years can make.
Happy birthday, big girl. Thank you for an annual reason to remember the very best day, ever.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 05, 2009
As they were driving home they passed a cemetery. Sara said "That's where we take flowers to Grandma," remembering our occasional trips to Mom and Dad's condos over the years, clearing away the old blooms and leaving something new.
Rob corrected her, saying that yes, we take flowers to Grandma -- but not there. Some other little girls had taken flowers to their grandmothers at this cemetery. Sara thought about it for a second, then announced that she wanted to take Christmas flowers to Grandma this year.
And then, "I miss Grandma."
He called me at work, right after this conversation, to tell me what she had said. And of course I cried. (Of course I did.) Not so much because I miss Mom -- though I do, every day -- but because Sara never got a chance to know her. But even so, she loves her. She misses her. And I believe she misses Mom every bit as much as I do, as much as her tender little free-and-a-half year old heart will allow. I can't wait to pick out those Christmas flowers with her and remember Mom together, telling her how Christmas was Mom's favorite time of year, and how flowers were one of her most favorite things. Somehow in the remembering, there is a little less missing.
Sara went on to talk about all the things she wants in her garden next year, sounding very much like her namesake. "I am going to plant all the flowers I love like lilacs and marigolds, and Mama will plant veg-uh-tuh-bles, and Papa will plant fruits."
Mom would just love this girl. Love her. They would be peas and carrots, those two. I'm just so sorry they had to miss it.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The American Cancer Society is doing their third Cancer Prevention Study (CPS) and wants you to participate. If you're between the ages of 30 - 65 and have no personal history of cancer go over and check this list for the 2009 locations, then call your local office to make an appointment or see if you qualify to enroll (I'm looking at you, Indiana!).
If you don't meet the requirements you're not off the hook, because it's your job to let someone who does qualify know about this opportunity to help. Right now over 70,000 people are enrolled in the project but they're hoping to eventually have 500,000 thousand people from across the country participate. Previous CPS studies have demonstrated the link between cancer and smoking, obsity, nutrition, and lifestyle. This time around the ACS hopes to learn even more about the factors that may lead to - or prevent - cancer.
You can go to their website here to find more information about this project, or go here to get the number of your local ACS office.
This matters, people. You all know someone whose life has been rocked by this disease, so make the call.
I will... how about you?
Friday, October 02, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
- Her boundless energy. (BOUNDLESS.)
- Her uncluttered honesty.
- Her insatiable thirst to know everything. (EVERYTHING.)
- Her frequently issued hugs and kisses.
- Her drive for fun and adventure.
- Her soft, smooth, clear, creamy skin. (I SO WISH.)
- Her innocence.
- Her optimism.
- Her propensity to make up words that are just right.
- Her abs of steel. (OR MAYBE TITANIUM.)
- Her infectious sense of humor.
- Her sweet heart.
- Her simple problems.
- Her ability to forgive.
- Her fearlessness. (
SOMETIMESOFTEN TIMES TOO FEARLESS.)
- Her honest, undeserved, pure, unfiltered, endless love for her family and friends. (AND KITTIES AND NEIGHBORHOOD DOGS.)
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Even if she's talking about dirty diapers.
It's a gift I tell you.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I have called you this for three years – “free and a HALF” years, as you would say. And you are, and you always will be, despite your protest that you are not a baby. Or a little girl, or even small. You are big.
(As much as I hate to admit it, you are big, too.)
But here’s the truth, and I don’t expect you to understand it now. It took your Mama 35 years to learn this and sometimes I still find it hard to believe: Forever and ever you will be my baby girl. Not the infant who unknowingly depended on me to eat and stay warm and dry, who needed us to teach her to talk and walk and play. Not the toddler who demanded her independence while always making sure I was within her line of sight. Not the preschooler who dazzles me with her sense of humor and insight.
No, you will always be my baby, who I think of first thing in the morning and remember last at night. The one whose face I could never imagine until I met you, but who I had known for a lifetime once you arrived. You are an extension of me and still entirely yourself – a phenomenon that I can’t ponder for too long because it always makes me dizzy. You are every great possibility waiting to happen. You are the one that I have always loved without any fear or doubt or reservation.
None of these things will ever change.
And that’s the tricky part: It will never, ever change. Even when you leave for kindergarten or high school or college, even when you leave to start your own family, you will still be my baby. You won’t like this – I didn’t like it – for a long, long time. If you are like me it will take the birth of your own child to teach you this lesson and make it stick, and still you’ll struggle with the notion that I could have ever loved you as much as you love your own little one.
But I did. And I do. And I always, always will. Even when I’m gone.
Because that’s how Mamas forever feel about their babies.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I never really thought of myself as one, but since most of what I write is for the (eventual and ultimate) benefit of my daughter then I guess I ought to cop to it.
But when I run across blogs like this one, I can't help but wonder...
When did mommy blogging become so gosh darn slick?
Don't get me wrong: Hers is a lovely blog, with a terrific layout, up-to-date graphics, high-end design and amazing photography. I mean, come on -- Photoshop or no, my snaps would never turn out like those. (Those beets? Holy cats those beets! They make me swoon - and they're beets.) And then there are the recipes. There's no bottled peanut sauce or fajita seasoning packets to be found. I guess I just marvel at having the time to pull all of that together. Raising three kids, plus mad cooking skills, not to mention taking the time to shoot & shop it all and then write about it? It's like she decided to live what Martha Stewart is selling.
And is actually pulling it off.
I am impressed. And she doesn't even appear to be one of those moms with a not-so-hidden marketing agenda. Sort of makes me think twice about what the heck I'm doing here. Cause slick I ain't.
Jealous much? (Oh yes. Yes, yes, yes.)
Addendum: The response I'm getting to this on Facebook is unexpected. Maybe I didn't write what I thought I was writing, as my point was meant to be more about the explosion of "glossy" mommy blogs rather than a fish for moral support and/or praise. Will have to re-read future posts with multiple perspectives in mind to avoid what might appear to be manipulative pleas for attention.
That said, thanks for the moral support and reminders that being "Sara's supermommy" is really what it's all about.
Friday, August 21, 2009
My mother always said that rain brings good luck.
We have had a remarkably mild summer this year, but for the past few days August has tried to make up for this by offering up a particularly uncomfortable run of hot, humid days interspersed with rain showers and thunderstorms. Personally, I love storms and the energy that they bring -- but the muggy, hot days I can do without.
Similarly, day-to-day life over the past week has been particularly uncomfortable as well: Running in too many different directions for too long, trying to meet the needs of most everyone but myself. Yesterday I finally hit the wall. I was done. I slept for more hours than I can remember sleeping in a long, long time.
And then today I woke up better rested, and the weather finally broke too. The rain is still here but has brought with it cooler breezes and more of these pleasant but unusually mild days. So, before Sara woke from her nap this afternoon I decided to take advantage of the time and the weather by sitting outside and swinging under my sister's tree. There was a heavy grey cloud blowing our way and I knew another shower was coming but I didn't care; in fact, I thought it was perfect.
Just after I sat down I noticed an abandoned nest at my feet, blown out of the tree during one of the storms earlier this week. It was a sweet little robin's nest, still perfectly intact despite the elements. I thought about how much work that bird must have put into building it's small home, and what a good job it did for it to look so perfect even after it's unceremonious eviction from that tree.
And then it started to rain.
It was hard to ignore the parallels to our own nest, the one we've spent so long working on but that will be beautiful and well-built when it's finally done. I took it as a sign that we would find our home there soon -- maybe not as soon as we might like, but soon nonetheless.
I'm going to keep that nest, and fill it up with wishes for all the things I hope to find in our own: peace, good health, happiness, love. And it will be a reminder of the time, effort, and patience it took for us to get there, and of the storms we had to weather to finally, finally, come home.
The rain blessed me today. Good luck, indeed.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
- Get up with Sara every morning
- Feed her (or at least keep her from eating candy for breakfast)
- Get dressed
- Make coffee -- sometimes, drink it
- Look for breakfast to eat in the car -- sometimes, find it
- Think about finding something to take for lunch -- sometimes, make it
- Work: that's another post entirely
- Get home & assume Sara responsibility
- Clean house -- no, pick up crap; no time for cleaning
- Ask Rob to do laundry (a few times a week)
- Sometimes fold it
- Worry about the house
- Worry about money
- Worry about Sara/my health/the future
- Go to the grocery
- Wash dishes
- Keep Sara from killing herself
- Give her a bath
- Argue with her
- Bargain with her
- Discipline her
- Put her to bed
- Several times each night
- Get up and do it again
- Wonder why
Here's what I don't do:
- Make a healthy breakfast for Sara & myself
- Get to work on time
- Enjoy my job/consistently make a difference
- Spend time playing with Sara
- Plan menus to have healthy dinners & lunches prepared
- Enjoy 15 minutes of quiet, just for me (maybe drinking coffee)
- Get enough sleep
- Spend enough time with Rob
- Spend enough time with my friends
- Read (daily)
- Write (daily)
- Create (daily)
- Behave nicely (all the time)
- Do the things I really enjoy doing, every single day
- Live happily with less
- Simplify (everything)
All I need to do:
- Switch titles on the lists above.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Among the various tasks I have to do at work is triaging new orders that come in for outpatient evaluations and then deciding which of our speech pathologists should see each patient. Every chart I get has a patient history form that has been completed by mom, dad, caregiver, foster parent -- whoever cares for the child.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Monday, July 06, 2009
Ina Garten will be there.
Ina Garten will be there, in an amazing kitchen.
Ina Garten will be there, in an amazing kitchen that she inspired.
And I know if I went we would be best friends.
Because that's how it works, right?
(I love you, Ina.)
(Please don't sue me for copyright infringement.)
Sunday, July 05, 2009
you are a dreamer
Your combination of abstract thinking, appreciation of beauty, and cautiousness makes you a DREAMER.
You often imagine how things could be better, and you have very specific visions of this different future.
Beauty and style are important to you, and you have a discerning eye when it comes to how things look.
Although you often think more broadly, you prefer comfort to adventure, choosing to stay within the boundaries of your current situation.
Your preferences for artistic works are very refined, although you vastly prefer some types and styles to others.
Though your dreams are quite vivid, you are cautious in following up on them.
You are aware of both your positive and negative qualities, so that your ego doesn't get in your way.
A sense of vulnerability sometimes holds you back, stifling your creative tendencies.
You're not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.
You are balanced in your approach to problem-solving, not letting your emotions hold you up.
You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.
You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.
If you want to be different:
Your imagination is a wonderful asset, but don't just dream—be bold enough to take action and explore new things!
Consider a wider range of details and possibilities when thinking about the present and the future—don't be too set in your ways.
how you relate to others
you are considerate
You trust others, care about them, and are slow to judge them, making you CONSIDERATE.
You value your close relationships very much, and are more likely to spend time in small, tightly-knit groups of friends than in large crowds.
You enjoy exploring the world through observation, quietly watching others.
Relating to others so well, and understanding their emotions, leads you to trust people in general, even though you're somewhat shy and reserved at times.
Your belief that people are generally well-intentioned contributes to your sympathy regarding their problems.
Although you may not vocalize it often, you have an awareness of how society affects individuals, and you understand complex causes of people's behavior.
You like to look at all sides of a situation before making a judgment, particularly when that situation involves important things in other people's lives.
Your close friends know you as a good listener.
If you want to be different:
Because other people would benefit immensely from your understanding and insight, you should try to be more outgoing in social situations, even when they make you uncomfortable. Others will want to hear what you have to say!
Thanks to @zigged for the link!
Saturday, July 04, 2009
- "Date" my husband (before he decided it would be easier to move than drive 20 hours to & from Indiana every weekend)
- Plan my wedding
- Find long-lost family and arrange a reunion to finally meet them
- Track my pregnancy
- Find my job
- Look for a house
- Look for houses for other people
- Decide not to buy a house
- Look for contractors
- Renovate my house
- Learn to sew
- Reconnect with old friends
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
It's true that everything that's awesome about being a mom would fill every ocean in the world -- the first time you see your baby would probably fill just one to overflowing all by itself.
- Weekend wake-up calls when you've been given the clear to sleep in. "Mama! It says eight-oh-eight and that means I want you to get up now!"
- Negotiating... well, everything.
- Debating the fundamental benefits of going poo in the potty.
- Stepping on rocks, dolls, crayons, plastic caps, Hot Wheels, grapes, and all things small.
- Having an audience in the bathroom. Every. Single. Time.
- Donning a bathing suit in public. (ONLY for my daughter. And to everyone at the Jordan Y today, my sincerest apologies.)
- Shiny purple things.
- Time outs.
- Naps refused.
- Pinky Dinky Doo. Worse yet, Lazy Town.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Or maybe the Something came and is just better known as The Shit. As in, The Shit Hitting the Fan.
What a day. I was exhausted by 10 o'clock this morning.