Friday, December 11, 2009

Standing outside the fire

I was chatting today with some friends from work about a girl I went to school with many years ago. The details of her story aren't really relevant, but the bottom line was this: She's doing something she's just not very good at, but she does it proudly and without any trace of doubt.

And at that moment I realized how that would never, ever be me.

I am my own worst critic. My dreams never seem to get off the ground because I'm convinced I'm not good enough to do whatever it is I imagine. There is always someone better, or more creative, or more talented, or better suited, or more experienced, or luckier, or prettier, funnier, faster, smarter -- whatever. Some of this self-doubt is in the genes, I'm convinced, but most of it is just me. Me & that shitty little voice in my head that is incessantly reminding me of my mediocrity.

Sad.

Sadder still is that I'm not really sure what to do about it. I guess it's some small thing to at least recognize it for what it is. But even as I praised my old classmate for doing what she loves, critics be damned, I silently reminded myself:

But I could never do that.

1 comment:

Amy H said...

I know that shitty little voice intimately. Personally, I'd put Rob on the job. It took me years and constant (and I do mean constant) repeating from Richard for me to believe -- actually believe down in there where the shitty little voice lives -- that Richard would never leave me. I mean, my god, he's the most amazing man who ever lived and still can't figure out why he's even with me and loves me at all. But there you have it. Somehow I believe it now.

{sigh} I feel for you sister.