Wednesday, December 13, 2006


You've got to love them, right?


(Well, this one for sure.)

Thursday, November 30, 2006

christian-speak: maybe it's just a mad lib?

in following some links via one of bill's recent posts i came across this passage:

"Here is how Pastor Bugh described his wife’s struggle with cancer and death: “Cancer is horrible. We hate it. My wife had a horrible experience, and she died a brutal death. On the other hand, we believe God is sovereign. He doesn’t delight in this. God permits what he hates in order to accomplish what he loves. It’s part of his plan.” In a conversation the day before she died Rob related to the reporter that Carol had expressed a deep disappointment about leaving her family behind. Rob notes that he assured her “We’re going to be OK. Life on the other side, in the presence of Jesus, was going to be incredible.”

"God permits what he hates in order to accomplish what he loves."

this, for me, is one of those empty christianisms that is meant to be hopeful but ultimately leaves me without any greater understanding. i am quite aware that my response to this is more visceral than academic (because i don't really know how letting people die long, painful deaths accomplishes anything that God loves) -- but putting personal experience aside, i just don't get it. i can't follow the logic, or even conclude that it is logical at all.

does someone smarter than me want to fill in the blanks? i promise, i'm not being cynical. there is no eye-rolling going on as i type. i'm really just looking for some hope.


Monday, November 27, 2006

sucker punched

nope, i didn't see this thing with dad coming. to be sure i didn't imagine him really getting better, but i didn't see this.

you would think i would be an old hand at dealing with this. i can't imagine that many people have both of their parents develop brain cancer (for the love of God i hope it doesn't happen to many people). the thing is, it's different this time around. with mom we fought it (even if she didn't), we stupidly hoped, we kicked and screamed and begged for a miracle. even when she went to hospice i thought we had months left with her, not the two days that, in hind sight, were a merciful end to the worst experience of our lives.

but that's not what we're doing now. dad said if this ever happened to him he wasn't going to get treatment, and so here we are. now it's just a waiting game and i feel terribly guilty about it. i wonder if he'll be here for christmas, or his birthday, or sara's birthday -- and does he wonder the same thing, too? i wonder if he feels cheated because we're just letting this happen. i wonder if he feels abandoned. i wondered if it's scary, just waiting to die. i want to do something, anything, to make it better for him. what can i do? really, what can i do?

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

lopsided conversations

so i was talking with sara tonight. we do that sometimes, when she is not such a monkey during prayers and is so tired that she has little choice but to lay across my chest and listen to me carry on.

i tell her a lot about my mom. i think it's for both of us, really. i want her to know as much about her as she can, and i don't want to forget. i usually end up crying, of course... i'm hoping that after awhile i'll get a grip so that when she's old enough to understand i will have myself pulled together.

tonight i told her that when she gets bigger we can go down to the lake and stay up late and look at the stars. (you can see SO MANY stars down there.) i'm going to have to polish up on my consellations because, despite what i thought when i signed up for astronomy at butler, we didn't really cover the constellations. anyway, thinking about the stars reminded me of when i was a kid and i thought that the stars were all the people in heaven. i never had a grandfather so i would look up at the stars and find the one that was his. i have a vivid memory of one christmas, on the way home from my grandmother's farm, picking a star and watching it follow us the whole way home, and it was sort of nice to imagine him looking at us along the way.

and then i wondered if sara will pick a star for my mom. it made me a little sad and a little happy all at the same time. i kind of wish i could still do it, if you want to know the truth. it would be nice to see her again.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

who ever heard of sleeping in on the weekends?

so, it's 7:20am on saturday morning. i've been up for... about 2 1/2 hours? something like that.

trying desperately not to be frustrated with my husband who, rather than getting close enough to our daughter to realize that she did indeed have poo on her boo (a fate worse than death in her opinion) opted instead to toss a few toys in her crib and pull the pillow over his head. all that this managed to accomplish was to get her more wound up and angrier about above said poo.

i let a few minutes pass, hoping in vain that she would settle down but alas -- at a little after 5:00 (yes that's AM) i hauled my ever-widening butt out of bed to clean up her boo, and knew that my day had already started without me. and now, at 7:20, the bear is back in bed for a nap. at 7:20.


and i wonder why i can't seem to lose the dark circles under my eyes. because you know there's only so much the mary kay concealer can do.


planning for the big first birthday "party." i feel a little lame for being this excited about it but i haven't had much of anything fun to look forward to over the last year and i never get to entertain. the part of me that has reason to see mike spencer is convinced that no one will come, but the rest of me doesn't so much care.

to that end, i went to borders looking for birthday cake ideas. found a great book (which i then checked out from the library -- though i might opt to buy it from my favorite local bookseller) and it is chockablock with some pretty tasty looking cake recipes. in a bold move on the author's part, it is titled birthday cakes.


need to make a run to the storage unit. we had (obviously) not planned to still be here at dad's and all of our fall/winter clothes and coats are packed somewhere in there. i'm tired just thinking about having to find what we need.


looking forward to hearing the indianapolis arts chorale tomorrow at meridian street methodist. i do miss singing. maybe someday... will have to get some lessons first though. sara doesn't so much care about the static in my voice but i suspect that wouldn't be true of the director.


with the trip to philly fast approaching i am beginning to wonder how/if we will be able to sleep while we're there. i'm not sure how the pack & play is going to fly as "crib." frankly i don't think it would be all that comfortable. anyone have suggestions?


better to find some breakfast. the bear's snore will turn into a roar before i know it.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

going nowhere fast

so, we spent (at least i spent) the last month or so making peace with the fact that rob, sara, and i need to move. we long outgrew my old bedroom, sara's sleeping habits are a mess, and i am beginning to feel less & less like a wife/mother and more and more like the lady that lives at the fraternity house, fighting a losing battle with the chaos and the mess but determined to get a hot meal on the table every night in spite of it all.

we found a house that we liked (or at least that we thought we could afford) and went so far as to get pre-approved for the loan. and then dad went into the hospital again. and now he seems weaker than ever, and just like that the game changed.

our "lets stay with dad to help him through chemo" plan is history. like it or not, i don't think dad is ever really going to get better -- at least not to a point where i would feel good about him being alone for any stretch of time. no, now the game has defintely changed, and we're going to need a lot more players. here's hoping we can work as a team. (heaven help us if we can't.)

so the sad truth is that we still can't do this anymore, but unfortunately we can't do anything else. i suspect it's going to be a long ride. very, very long.

here's what i need to make it through:
-- a better diet and exercise (i don't want to confess how much weight i've gained since we moved here... stress, anyone?)
-- some major clean-up and minor (but key) renovation
-- a room for sara that is all her own
-- regular time away from the grind
-- occasional dates with my husband
-- reminders that really, it's going to be OK
-- prayers
-- a much better attitude
-- more sleep

here we go!

Friday, October 20, 2006

an advent christian

for a long time i've believed that there is something immature about being an advent christian. you know -- all the hope with none of the pain. and trying to be an easter christian has always been a struggle for me.

but now i think it's got to be ok to be an advent christian.

just to be clear, i'm not talking the first four sundays leading up to christmas, but all year long. for me this means feeling close to God in the wonder of Him, in the mystery and quietness of Him. my kind of advent christianity is the cold, dark, clear, bright night that was full of questions and probably fear but also promise. there is a stillness and curiosity about it, and for me a thankfulness that God came to be with us, live like us, love us in the flesh.

the other night i started singing to sara and i realized that all the songs were advent songs. i like them because they are simple melodies that speak of the fulfillment of the promise and the hope of what's to come. they are calming to me, but still stir me up in a way that no praise song has ever done. i mean how much more exciting can it be?? God is coming! here! now! and He's going to live with us for awhile! can you believe it?!

no, i'm not pretending that that's the end of the story. there is much more scripture devoted to the rest of Jesus' life and i have to assume that is not merely happenstance. we are an Easter people -- i get it. (i don't get it enough, but i get it.) but i am also an advent girl, that's how i feel closest to Him. and if that's the case, it can't be so bad, right?

Thursday, October 12, 2006

it was the worst of times, it was the best of times.

woke up this AM with a raging headache. never a good sign, those first-thing-in-the-morning headaches. to make matters worse, i had to have some blood drawn and couldn't eat anything to try and take the edge off. that first cup of coffee, it can work wonders -- no?

so anyway. i stumbled through my morning, got the blood draw, made it to work (15 mintues late). managed to get something to eat and at least a little bit of my beloved java before the patients started and for one brief, shining moment i thought i had turned a corner.

not so much. by the time my second kiddo arrived my head was pounding, i felt sick, i could barely stand the light (and the light in a flouro suite is dim, let me tell you). i called it a day and with just a brief a stop for a soda (seriously, thought i was going to hurl) to wash down a handful of advil i headed home -- straight for bed which is mucho unusual for me. but then, bliss.

i had THE BEST nap, ever. EH-VER. i don't remember the last time i slept so well, so comfortably, so restfully. my whole body relaxed in a way i didn't know was possible. when i woke up i felt fantastic, better than i have in months. years. maybe better than i ever have in my life. i decided that this is how you must feel in heaven. even my teeth felt rested.

man alive. that was one good nap. i'm almost afraid to go to bed tonight... it's bound to be a disappointment.