Tuesday, November 14, 2006

lopsided conversations

so i was talking with sara tonight. we do that sometimes, when she is not such a monkey during prayers and is so tired that she has little choice but to lay across my chest and listen to me carry on.

i tell her a lot about my mom. i think it's for both of us, really. i want her to know as much about her as she can, and i don't want to forget. i usually end up crying, of course... i'm hoping that after awhile i'll get a grip so that when she's old enough to understand i will have myself pulled together.

tonight i told her that when she gets bigger we can go down to the lake and stay up late and look at the stars. (you can see SO MANY stars down there.) i'm going to have to polish up on my consellations because, despite what i thought when i signed up for astronomy at butler, we didn't really cover the constellations. anyway, thinking about the stars reminded me of when i was a kid and i thought that the stars were all the people in heaven. i never had a grandfather so i would look up at the stars and find the one that was his. i have a vivid memory of one christmas, on the way home from my grandmother's farm, picking a star and watching it follow us the whole way home, and it was sort of nice to imagine him looking at us along the way.

and then i wondered if sara will pick a star for my mom. it made me a little sad and a little happy all at the same time. i kind of wish i could still do it, if you want to know the truth. it would be nice to see her again.

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