sucker punched

nope, i didn't see this thing with dad coming. to be sure i didn't imagine him really getting better, but i didn't see this.

you would think i would be an old hand at dealing with this. i can't imagine that many people have both of their parents develop brain cancer (for the love of God i hope it doesn't happen to many people). the thing is, it's different this time around. with mom we fought it (even if she didn't), we stupidly hoped, we kicked and screamed and begged for a miracle. even when she went to hospice i thought we had months left with her, not the two days that, in hind sight, were a merciful end to the worst experience of our lives.

but that's not what we're doing now. dad said if this ever happened to him he wasn't going to get treatment, and so here we are. now it's just a waiting game and i feel terribly guilty about it. i wonder if he'll be here for christmas, or his birthday, or sara's birthday -- and does he wonder the same thing, too? i wonder if he feels cheated because we're just letting this happen. i wonder if he feels abandoned. i wondered if it's scary, just waiting to die. i want to do something, anything, to make it better for him. what can i do? really, what can i do?