Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Most unsettling

So I'm sitting in the living room this afternoon with Sara. She is doing her Sara thing, wandering here & there and generally wearing me out. She heads down this tiny little hallway where she actually can't get into any trouble and a minute later comes toddling back to me, hand outstreched and fully intent on handing over whatever it is that she's found. This is quite unusual.

It is poo.

It is hers.

And I have no idea where it came from.


On a lighter note, I nearly had a complete breakdown today. I comtemplated running away from home but decided against it. I'm going to give it another day. We'll see how things go.


Today I not only thought but actually said, out loud, "Lord, I'm not sure how much more of this I can take." I was serious.

Then He decided to try me on it. Really? Not nice.


I can honestly say that these days are the most spiritually trying of my life. I have never prayed with such specificity and desperation -- even when Mom was so sick, it was more like rote begging than actual prayer.

I keep thinking that when we come out of all of this I'm going to be so much more "mature" and "faithful."

Fat chance.

Friday, January 26, 2007

there is nothing sadder than an empty crib

i know a lot of people will cringe when i say this, but right now it feels very true:

nothing in the world makes me as happy as she does. nothing even comes close. now, it is also true that nothing makes me feel as tired, or as nervous, or as inadequate, or as overwhelmed. but it's a fair trade i think.

tonight sara b is staying with the brenners. i love them for it, as very very soon i plan on taking these tylenol pm tablets sitting next to me, peeling out my contacts, and snuggling in for a long winter's nap. my aunt elaine is here to help out with dad and, with no baby itching to start the day at the crack of dawn, i hope to get caught up on some much needed sleep.

enter the empty crib.

i don't know what it is, but walking into the room tonight and seeing her empty crib made me feel so sad. it was about the time i would be giving her her last bottle -- the only time of day she will actually sit with me, content to be quiet and still. her blanket was there, and the toys she pitched onto the floor from her nap earlier today. the bink was close by, just in case. but the reason for it all was missing.

i'm such a sap.

the picture with this post is a familiar sight: here mama, open this up so we can play with it. ok bear, we can play with it. tomorrow, we can play all you like. i promise.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Ha Ha Ha

Ladies, I am sooo sorry. Really.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

the rubber met the road

really, it would be more accurate to say that the shit hit the fan but i thought that seemed a little too much for a title.

dad had an appointment scheduled with his oncologist today. he needed to have some blood drawn the day before so when i got home from work yesterday he asked me to go get the car warmed up. no problem.

on the way out of the house he nearly fell sideways into the shrubs. and this was while using his walker. (it is quite likely that his balance is failing again due to changes/growth in the tumors.) anyway, nanci caught him, he thanked her and we kept on walking. i opened the car door for him and he started to walk around to the driver's side door and... i'm sure you can see where this is going. i asked what he was doing, he said he was going to drive, i said i thought that wasn't a good idea, he said he wouldn't get his blood test, i said that was his choice. he threw a tantrum (an odd sight coming from a 72-year-old). and then things really got ugly.

the good news (good news??) is that my siblings and i are all on the same page about this. actually, every sane person in the world except for my father is on the same page about this. (perhaps that means that my dad is no longer sane. i hadn't really considered that before.) too bad for me, i was the one that had to actually call him on it. since then my brother & sister have both talked to him about the "episode" and now he is equally pissed off at all of us. he even asked my sister for the car keys again today and when she said no he refused to go to his oncology appointment. awesome. good choice, dad. good choice.

now he's not eating. he isn't talking to any of us except sara, which is better than i expected if you want to know the truth.

what's also "good," in a manner of speaking, is that i'm not really upset about it. normally i feel a lot of guilt -- not to mention a nausating pit in my stomach -- whenever i am in a confrontational situation. this time, i really feel ok. not happy, not glad, not vindicated, just ok. i would feel worse if he were driving. i would never forgive myself if something happened because i caved.

maybe i'm growing up? or maybe my nightly prayers for wisdom/compassion/strength/patience are paying off?

maybe they are.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Plug-plug chug-chug

More and more I remember my Mom saying that time goes faster the older you get. When I was a kid that annoyed me. Now it scares me.

Anyway, we are plugging along here on Washington Boulevard. I am home today with some sort of unpleasant stomach bug. I'm actually feeling much better now than I did this morning at 3:30, when I spent some quality time in the loo. Didn't feel like risking dicey moments at work so here I am. Work is fine, but it's still work. I dream of a time when I get to stay home and take care of my family. I know that's not a popular dream any more, but it's mine. So, I keep my fingers crossed.

Sara is great, as usual. Well, maybe I don't think that when she is climing out of her high chair (she actually had one leg out this A.M. -- fantastic), throwing fits, pulling everything in sight onto the ground, and head butting me. So, she's developing an independent streak. I guess I thought I had another year before that became an issue but what do I know? (Not very much apparently.) Still, most of the time she is more fun than I would have imagined. She loves loves loves the kitties (in fact "kitty" is her first real word), loves to stack and throw her buckets, loves to push her truck (kudos to Uncle David, because I never would have thought to get her a truck), loves to screech, loves to throw things (she's got her Grandma Sara's arm), loves to play peek-a-boo, loves to hug her teddy bear, loves to babble, loves being_awake__ for__ a___really___long____time_______. She says "kitty" and "hat" and "night-night" and "hi" and "Mama" (at least I think that's what she's saying) and "Pete" (which, naturally, came long before "Mama"). She generally knows where her ears, nose, and tummy are, if she feels like showing you. She's usually got at least two bruises - one on her face - at all times because she's a monkey-girl. She is trying to run but wipes out every time. Her hair is crunchy by lunchtime and she tends to reek of sour milk by dinner (those neck folds are a killer). She loves bathtime and hates getting changed. She loves to have people sing to her, never mind if it sounds good or makes any sense. She falls asleep when we say prayers every night. She is an everyday roller coaster of the very best kind.

And boy, does she wear me out.

Rob started classes this week. He's taking something that has to do with circuits and a lab. Seems to like it so far which is good. The beard is back which makes him happy be me, not so much. (I just read a post somewhere that listed the top 10 blogging cliches and "not so much" was among them. Guess I'd better clean up my act.) I don't know why I'm not so crazy about the beard, because I think it looks good enought, but... Anyway, I live with it. He's enjoying the Eagles games and his new PDA. He's still a self-confessed slob but helps me out probably more than most husbands even though I don't usually acknowledge it, so I think I'll keep him.

Dad is Dad. We take everyday as it comes. I remind myself, when I remember, that time really is of the essence here. I had better make the best of everything even when it's not very pleasant. Sara and I pray every night for we-don't-know-what and then I hope that I get it right. That's about all there is to do I suppose.

So there's a little snapshot of us these days. We're kind of like the Little Engines That Never Would Have Believed We Could, but apparently we can. Most days it's despite ourselves, but we just keep plugging along up the mountain. (I have to admit though, that I'm looking forward to coming down the other side.)