Really though, I suspect that it has. Lots of times. I just didn't know what I was listening for. I guess my simple, simple mind expected (wanted?) something obvious, a la Jacob's dreams or burning bushes. Well, so... no. Not so much. God does not operate like Sara in that "MAAAAMAAAAA, COME HERE RIGHT NOOOOOW!" mode of communication. He is more like my cat Pete, who sits quietly by my feet while I do the dishes, then talks to me while I put them away, then eventually gets caught up in my feet while I'm trying to cook dinner -- all in an effort to let me know that I really need to fill his water bowl. Now, please.
What it boils down to is the whack versus the tap. The choice isn't as easy as you might think really. The whack is painful, yes -- but hard to miss. The tap? Ugh, the listening and the patience and the faith. It's just so hard.
The good news is that very slowly, over lots of time and many trials, I'm starting to learn to listen. Sometimes it seems so very obvious, other times it takes me banging my head into a wall (again and again and again) to hear it. And recently I've realized that there's no harm in asking for it. Still no burning bushes, but you know -- He speaks up eventually.
Last week I was heading to work, dreading a conversation that I needed to have with my boss because it meant admitting that maybe obviously I had made a mistake. And it was funny, because as I climbed into the car and turned the engine over the radio came on, and the voice I heard said "It's OK to change your mind." That was it, then straight into a commercial. I don't know... God could have a lot flashier way to reassure me but let me tell you -- to me, that was Him. Maybe that's corny? I don't care.
Tap, tap, tap.
Today I heard Him again, this time via an essay I found in a magazine I heard about from my good friend Amy. It's like it was written for me, in language and concepts and contexts that I not only understand but in which I'm immersed. And the message? Right on point, painfully so.
Tap, tap, tap.
I'm starting to get used to the tap, tap, tap. I'm here to tell you: Although it's a hell of a lot more effort, I'll take a tap over a whack any day. Those whacks, they smart. A LOT. And I've had my fair share of bruises lately.
Tap, tap, tap away. I'll be listening. Or at least trying.